Cooking With Seifer
by SeshatHawk
Summary: Seifer on a cooking show.


Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, but this story does.

Author's Note: This is a companion piece to my four-part series. You can probably enjoy it without having read any other parts of the series.

Cooking With Seifer

Seifer walks into a classy kitchenette, wearing a white apron that says "Kiss the Megalomanical Cook" and a chef's hat. He smiles and waves at the audience to scattered applause.

SEIFER: Hello, and welcome to the show. I'm your host, Seifer Almasy. These are my helpers, Fujin and Raijin.

Fujin and Raijin walk on stage, looking a little nervous and like they're wishing they weren't there.

SEIFER: Now, I know I'm a good cook. I cook all the time. But sometimes, I like to make up stuff and make them myself. And today, we're going to be making something directly from the brain of Seifer: a chocolate mushroom omelet!

Applause.

SEIFER: First, you wanna get out a big frying pan, like this. (gets out a pan and shows it to the audience) We're gonna put this on the burner, at about...medium-hot heat. What we're doing here is sauteeing some mushrooms in lots of butter. Fujin, the butter.

FUJIN: (hands him a stick of butter)

SEIFER: (horrified) Not _that _much! (cuts a little piece off and puts it in the pan) There. Then we're gonna dump all of these little mushroom bits into the pan and stir-fry them until they're nice and brown...Raijin, the mushrooms.

RAIJIN: (attempting to cut the mushrooms into little bits) Hang on a second, ya know!

SEIFER: (waits impatiently until they're done, then dumps them into the pan.) There we go! Now, you wanna get a stir-frying fork like this big wooden one I have here. Just stir them around in the pan till they're all nice and brown, like this. It shouldn't take very long. Then give the pan to your assistant for them to hold until it's time to put them in the omelet. (gives the pan to Fujin)

FUJIN: TAKE IT, WON'T.

SEIFER: But you're my assistant!

FUJIN: (glares at him)

SEIFER: Anyway, you want to get three or four cups of chocolate chips and melt them in the microwave until they're all smooth and liquidey. How's that coming, Raijin?

RAIJIN: (smeared with chocolate here and there, is holding the smoking microwave shut while it's melting the chocolate chips) Almost done, ya know!

SEIFER: This could take a while. Let's cut to commercial, shall we? (smiles at the audience until the commercial comes on, then hits Fujin and Raijin over the head) What is wrong with you two? You're screwing up my cooking show!

FUJIN: SHOW, STUPID.

SEIFER: (horrified gasp)

RAIJIN: Yeah, ya know! I don't like this, ya know, it's boring and _hard._

SEIFER: But you guys agreed to it beforehand!

FUJIN: WE, AGREED, BEFORE REALIZATION OF STUPIDITY.

SEIFER: It's not stupid! Stop saying that!

RAIJIN: Come on, Seifer...let's go and rob a bank or something, ya know! We're evil, we're not supposed to be on cooking shows, ya know!

FUJIN: (hopefully) BANK ROBBERY, AMUSING!

SEIFER: But you guys are my friends! I thought you would help me carry out my dream!

RAIJIN: Dream?

FUJIN: DREAM OF CREATING CHOCOLATE MUSHROOM OMLETTES ON TELEVISION?

SEIFER: Yes! Now do everything I say or you'll seriously pay for it!

FUJIN: PAY, HOW?

RAIJIN: Yeah, how, ya know?

SEIFER: ...............................

FUJIN: WORSE THAN THIS, CANNOT BE.

SEIFER: How exactly is this bad?

FUJIN: DEGRADING.

RAIJIN: Yeah, what she said, ya know!

SEIFER: Well, look, if you guys don't help me out here, I'm going to...uh...go become an Instructor at the Garden!

RAIJIN: (gasp of horror) Ya wouldn't, ya know!

SEIFER: Oh, yes I would! I would be so upset at having you guys not helping me carry out my dream that I would quit being evil. _Forever. _

RAIJIN: Fujin, he's right, we gotta help him here, ya know!

FUJIN: FOOLING ME, AREN'T.

SEIFER: Fooling? Someone's trying to fool you?

FUJIN: STUPID, I, NOT.

SEIFER: I never said you were stupid.

FUJIN: IMPLICATION. YOU, FORCE ME TO ASSIST ON DEGRADING COOKING SHOW.

SEIFER: I didn't force anyone to do anything! I said, "hey guys, wanna come and help me with this new project of mine?" and you said, "AFFIRMATIVE" and Raijin said, "Sure, ya know," and here we are!

FUJIN: TRICKED US!

SEIFER: I don't care. You promised to do this, and now you're going back on your promise!

FUJIN: What if I talked like this all the time, huh? Then what would you do?

SEIFER: Be happy cuz assistants on cooking shows don't talk like a really loud Tarzan.

FUJIN: Tarzan!?!?!?!?

SEIFER: Yeah, you know...me, Fujin, you Seifer?

FUJIN: (glares at him)

SEIFER: Don't try to deny it, Fuj. That's how you talk.

FUJIN: (suddenly attacks him and he ends up on his stomach on the floor, with her sitting on his back and twisting his arm)

SEIFER: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That HURTS!!!!!!!!

FUJIN: _Who _do I talk like, Seifer?

SEIFER: Tarzan! Owwwwww! STOP IT THAT HURTS!!!!!!!

FUJIN: (twists his arm harder) _Who do I talk like, Seifer? _

SEIFER: The Terminator? OWWWWWWWWWW!!!! WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: And we're back with "Cooking With Seifer"!

SEIFER: (choking) !

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: Uh, and, um, we'll be back after these messages from our sponsors!

FUJIN: _WHO do I talk like, Seifer? _

SEIFER: Um...uh...OW! Ummm...who would you like to talk like?

FUJIN: (pleasantly) Just tell me who I talk like, Seifer!

SEIFER: Um, um, um...Martha Stewart? OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????????????

FUJIN: Let's try this again: _WHO DO I TALK LIKE, SEIFER_?

SEIFER: You talk like...um...OW! CUT IT OUT! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!! Um...my very beloved and precious best friend of all, who loves me very much so that she'll help me on my cooking shoOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! WHAT????

FUJIN: And _what's _my name?

SEIFER: Fujin! Your name is--OWWWWW!--Fujin! I'll never call you Fuj again! I swear!

FUJIN: Good! Now, am I going to help you on your _stupid _cooking show?

SEIFER: Yes? OWWWWWWWWW! STOOOOOOOOOOP IT!!!!! I'll do anything! ANYTHING! JUST BE ON MY COOKING SHOW!!!!!!!!

FUJIN: (thinks for a few minutes while Seifer howls in pain) You have to babysit Pearl for me for a week.

SEIFER: Pearl? That cat of yours that hates everything but you?

FUJIN: That's the one!

SEIFER: Where are you going to be?

FUJIN: Disneyland, courtesy of you. I'm going to be recuperating after this entire cooking show mess.

SEIFER: You want me to _pay _so that you can go to Disneyland _and _watch your stupid cat? OWWWWWWWWWWW! OKAY, OKAY, YOU WIN!!!!! JUST STOP!!!!!!!!!

FUJIN: All right! (gets up)

SEIFER: (gets up too) I think you broke my arm!

FUJIN: APOLOGIES. FULLCURE, USE.

SEIFER: Oh, good idea. (uses a FullCure) And if anyone asks you, I ran into a doorframe! And you never attacked me!

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. ::I've still got an entire audience full of witnesses!::

SEIFER: (turns to the cameras)

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: And we're back with "Cooking With Seifer"!

SEIFER: Welcome back! By now the chocolate should be fully melted. Raijin?

RAIJIN: (having broken the microwave, he attempted to heat up the chocolate using fire magic, but only succeeded in setting his vest on fire and also getting chocolate all over himself) Just a few more minutes, ya know!

SEIFER: Fujin, how about you give him a hand?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (goes over to Raijin) GIVE! YOU, IMCOMPETANT. CHOCOLATE, CAN'T MELT. HOW STUPID, YOU?

RAIJIN: I'm sorry, ya know! It's a lot harder than it looks, ya know!

SEIFER: While they're doing that, I'm going to start making the eggs. I'm using four eggs here, and I'm breaking them into this bowl. Then I'm going to add a little milk because that makes them taste better for some reason, and then I'm going to--

RAIJIN: Here ya go, Seifer! Three cups of melted chocolate chips, ya know! Fujin helped.

SEIFER: Good! Now that the chocolate's ready, we can start soaking the mushrooms in them. Raijin, hold that bowl steady while I drop the mushrooms in, all right?

RAIJIN: Kay, ya know.

SEIFER: (puts all the sauteed mushrooms into the bowl) Those should sit for a little while to let the chocolatey goodness seep in. Now, I'm going to continue with the eggs while Raijin cleans up the microwave and the rest of the kitchen.

RAIJIN: Sorry, ya know. (gets out a mop)

SEIFER: Fujin, hand me a whisk!

Long silence.

FUJIN: WHISK?

SEIFER: You know, a whisk.

FUJIN: (stares blankly at him)

SEIFER: (sighs) Raijin, show Fujin what a whisk is!

RAIJIN: Um, okay...what is a whisk, ya know?

SEIFER: Whisk! How can you not know what a whisk is! It's this little wire thingie that you use to beat things with!

RAIJIN: Ohhhhhhh! A _whisk! _I know what that is, ya know! (rummages in a drawer and pulls out a metal spatula) This is a whisk, Fujin, ya know.

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. WHISK.

SEIFER: That's not a whisk! That's a spatula!

They both stare at him blankly.

RAIJIN: Well, it looks like ya can beat stuff with it, ya know?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.

SEIFER: You don't beat things with it! You flip things over with it!

FUJIN: RIDICULOUS! JOKING!

SEIFER: No, I'm not!

RAIJIN: If it's not for beating, then what's this flat side for, ya know?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. PERFECT BEATING TOOL. (takes the spatula from Raijin and hits him over the head with it) NOTICE?

SEIFER: Stop that! I need that to cook with and you're getting Raijin's hair all over it!

FUJIN: APOLOGIES. (gives the spatula to Seifer) RAIJIN, ALL RIGHT?

RAIJIN: Yeah, ya know. We should get some of those spakula things and make 'em bigger so we can beat people with 'em!

SEIFER: (grumbles under his breath for a few minutes, then rummages in a drawer and pulls out a whisk) _This _is a whisk!

FUJIN: THAT, WHISK?

RAIJIN: That's no good for beating things, ya know! Ya hafta have somethin' pointy or flat ta beat things with, ya know!

SEIFER: It's for beating _food, _you morons! (turns back to the cameras) Sorry about that inconvenience. So, I'm beating the eggs and the milk until they're all the same color and texture. They should be kinda liquidey. Then we're gonna dump all of the eggs into this pan, which has been heating over medium heat with butter melting in it. Now we have to wait for them to cook. While you're waiting, you might want to find some good guys to beat up on. Let's see a few shots of this, shall we?

Cut to Zell standing in line at the Cafeteria at the Garden.

ZELL: Whaddya mean, they're all out of hot dogs? Again? Man, they never have any! (starts to walk away dejectedly)

Fujin and Raijin pop up from out of nowhere behind him and push him over.

ZELL: Hey!

FUJIN: (high-fives Raijin and laughs) DINCHT, COWARD!

RAIJIN: Yeah, ya know!

ZELL: What? Coward? Hey! Come back here and say that to my face! (tries to get up and trips over his own feet as Fujin and Raijin start a food fight in the background)

Cut to Selphie walking down a hall in the Garden, humming to herself.

SELPHIE: La la la la la! (glances at her watch) Oh, I'd better hurry, or I'll be late for Quistis' class! (walks a little faster)

Fujin and Raijin pop up from out of nowhere behind her and push her over.

SELPHIE: Whoa! Ow!

FUJIN: (high-fives Raijin and laughs) TILMITT, KLUTZ!

SELPHIE: Hey! You guys aren't supposed to be here! You're not allowed!

RAIJIN: Well, who's gonna stop us, ya know? (grabs all of Selphie's books and runs off with them with Fujin behind him)

SELPHIE: Hey! I need those to learn! Oh, no, now I'm late for Quistis' class!

Cut to Irvine talking to a Trepie.

IRVINE: So they asked me for my autograph, but I have to draw the line somewhere, you know?

FUJIN: (sneaks up behind Irvine and steals his hat)

IRVINE: Hey! My hat!

Fujin and Raijin laugh loudly and high-five each other.

RAIJIN: Ha ha ha! We've got your hat!

IRVINE: Come on, give it back!

FUJIN: NEGATIVE!

RAIJIN: (to the Trepie) He was never in any movies, ya know! He's not even a SeeD, ya know! He's not even famous, ya know!

TREPIE #21: You _lied _to me? (walks off)

FUJIN: HURRY, LET'S. (she and Raijin leave with Irvine's hat)

IRVINE: Aw, man! That's the fifth Trepie that's walked away from me today!

Cut to Quistis, sitting in her classroom.

QUISTIS: Hmm...this student got a lot of problems wrong...hey, where's my red pen?

Fujin and Raijin are in the background, holding a red pen and laughing and high-fiving each other.

Cut to a storage room, where Rinoa is tied to a chair.

RINOA: This is really stupid! Why should I do what you say?

FUJIN: KIDNAPPED, YOU. NO CHOICE.

RINOA: (sighs) Oh help. Oh help. Someone please save me before these two stupid freaks somehow manage to hurt me.

RAIJIN: That's more like it, ya know!

SQUALL: (bursts in the door) I'm here, Rinoa! I'll save you!

FUJIN: THROUGH US, MUST GET!

SQUALL: Well, that's gonna be easy, cause I've got my gunblade, and--hey, where'd it go?

RAIJIN: (whips out Squall's gunblade) Ha ha ha! We've got it, ya know!

SQUALL: But that's my weapon!

FUJIN: WE, BEAT YOU NOW. (they punch him for a while, then teleport away with Squall's gunblade)

RINOA: And I'm still tied to this stupid chair. A little help, Squall?

SQUALL: (groans)

Cut back to Seifer in his kitchen, looking a little shocked and horrified.

SEIFER: Well, that was pretty much a disappointment. But look! The eggs are done cooking now! Now we can add the mushrooms, which have been sitting in chocolate for five to ten minutes by now. Fujin, the mushrooms.

FUJIN: (brings him the mushrooms)

SEIFER: And we dump them in, but only on one half. Then we use the spatula to flip the clean half over on top of the other half...like this! See, guys? That's how it's done!

RAIJIN: Ohhhhhhhhh! Now I get it, ya know!

FUJIN: BETTER FOR BEATING PEOPLE.

SEIFER: If you say so. So, we wanna let this cook for just a few minutes more to let the chocolate and the mushrooms get nice and warm. And then we use the spatula to take it out and put it on a plate...like this! Add a little parsley and you've got yourself a gourmet meal!

Applause.

SEIFER: Now, let's see if we did a good job of cooking it! (holds out two forks)

RAIJIN: What?????

FUJIN: (wide-eyed with horror) TASTING, SAID NOTHING ABOUT!

SEIFER: It's part of the whole cooking show deal. Now eat it.

RAIJIN: Seifer, I dunno...it looks a little funny, ya know.

FUJIN: NEGATIVE. EAT THAT, WON'T.

SEIFER: That's it! I'm going good! I'm gonna go be best friends with Squall and _you _aren't going to Disneyland at all!

Fujin and Raijin cringe and each take a fork. They carefully cut bites of the omlette and put them in their mouths. Their smiles suddenly look very glazed as they struggle to swallow the omlette.

SEIFER: Well? How is it?

RAIJIN: (choking) Uh, uh...um, ya know.

FUJIN: Water! Water!

SEIFER: I said, _how is it!_

RAIJIN: It's um, ya know, uh... (looks at Fujin for help)

FUJIN: UNIQUE.

RAIJIN: Yeah! It's unique, ya know!

SEIFER: Of course it is, you idiots! It's unique because I made it up! Now how does it taste?!?!?!?!?!?

FUJIN: (dreams of being in Disneyland for a week) SCRUMPTIOUS.

SEIFER: Really?

FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.

RAIJIN: Yeah, it's really tasty, ya know!

SEIFER: Well, there you have it, folks! It's the best thing they've ever eaten!

FUJIN: I didn't say that--

SEIFER: Shutupshutupshutup! And be sure to come back next time on "Cooking With Seifer", when we'll be making some cherry ice cream lasagna! How do you do it, you ask? Well, you'll just have to come back next time to find out! Now my assistants will finish off this delicious omelet--

FUJIN: NEGATIVE!

RAIJIN: No way, ya know!

SEIFER: --or I will kill them. (smiles) See you next time! (waves at the audience as they applaud, then turns to Fujin and Raijin) What's the problem here?

FUJIN: EAT THIS, WON'T.

RAIJIN: Yeah, ya know! I don't like it, ya know!

SEIFER: I told you to eat it!

FUJIN: NEGATIVE! DISGUSTING!

SEIFER: Not in front of the audience!

RAIJIN: I need something to drink before I can eat anything else, ya know!

SEIFER: You two are wimps! Just eat it!

RAIJIN: Uh-oh...I think I'm gonna be sick, ya know! (runs off stage)

SEIFER: Fine, so you eat it. (shoves the plate at Fujin)

FUJIN: (nervously) NEGATIVE. ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.

SEIFER: You've never been allergic to chocolate before!

FUJIN: JUST STARTED.

SEIFER: This is stupid! I am _ordering _you to eat the freaking omelet!

FUJIN: That's it! I'm going to Disneyland! (runs off stage too)

SEIFER: (stares after them for a few minutes, then turns back to the audience) That's all for today, everyone! Thanks for coming! See you next time! (marches off stage) GUYS! COME BACK HERE! YOU ARE IN _SO _MUCH TROUBLE! YOU DIDN'T DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO! OW! STOP THAT! FUJIN, THAT HURTS! OWWWWW! RAIJIN, CUT IT OUT! THAT'S A TENDER SPOT! HELLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!

The End


End file.
